The relationship between mothers and daughters is fraught with difficulty. In my own case, I have a generally good relationship with my mother, studded with occasional incidents of wanting to shoot her. Likewise, I’m amazed I made it this far through life without her drowning me at a young age or selling me into white slavery.
A few years ago I found the brilliant Mother’s Day card (which I’ve now found on the web, as you can see) that reads “Mothers – Even when they’re wrong, they’re right!”, which summed up our relationship perfectly. But since I’ve already given that one to her, I’m scrabbling round to find a non-sentimental (and some might say grudgingly bitter) substitute. None have turned up, although – to be fair – I haven’t looked very hard.
Anyway, for those of you who simultaneously love your mother but also want to brain her with a rock, I present a range of greetings to put inside your card this Mothering Sunday intended to shock, disturb or offend. Maybe all three. (Psst – it’s the 14th of March).
- Much love, and thanks for all the hangups.
- You know how you thought my belly-button piercing was bad…
- Here – I saved my last scrap of self-esteem just for you.
- Guilt Complex is not the name of a riverside development.
- Who are you calling fat?
- I don’t mind that I’m not your favourite child – you’re not even my favourite mother.
- You can’t expect me to suddenly produce a grandchild when you’ve spent my whole life warning me off sex.
- You may not like my boyfriend but he’s better than Dad.
- Hurry up and die, I want a new kitchen
- Don’t forget who’s choosing your nursing home.